I write this blog post disheartened, saddened at the same time of the current events that seem to emerge in our country, society as well as our households. The events that men are now seemingly on a killing spree, taking lives of harmless defenseless and innocent creatures. I’m talking about our mothers of the future, our sister’s, nieces and cousins to be dying more like dogs at the hands of their loved ones. The horrific phenomenon we’ve nicely clothed as Gender Based Violence and femicide. It’s not GBV, in simple terms, its MURDER!!!
With all these deaths occurring, I’ve often wondered as to what could be the real reason(s) why men kill women they claim to (have) love (d) and in all honesty I have not come to any logical explanation except frustration. Men are frustrated and angry about a lot of things, namely their sexuality, their manhood and societal expectations as to what a man should be and do.
However, studies suggest that the recent attacks on women and children are a sign that men lack respect. And failure on the part of men to recognise women as equals is a huge issue of basic human rights. Just this year alone, a large number of women have died at the hands of their partners and men in general. This behaviour is causing an outcry to our country.
Why are men sexually frustrated?
Why am I saying men are sexually frustrated and often than not question their manhood... Recently I took a trip to my hometown and I have not been home in a long time. In my trip I observed how my childhood friends (both males and females) have changed and grown to be young adults. Some more responsible more than others. I’ve also noticed that some of my peers had more than enough kids for one to father and they were barely coping with taking care of themselves let alone four or five more stomachs to feed and maintain on a daily basis.
"Men must account for their actions and free themselves from the societal standards that are toxic to themselves and the community at large. I believe toxic musculility is the root of gender based violence and femicide" added Romley
I say the following points respectfully, but this is not just what I observed it’s also through my experiences as a man that grew up believing in heterosexuality is the only way of life to discover more other liberating forms. And these points do not give anyone a right to hurt and kill others.
• Whether its mere jollying or umshado men are simply sexually suffocating in their relationships. Men of today are men that want to try out new things, but their partners that have known them all their lives would not allow
• More and more men seem to ask their spouses for anal sex. This request is something unheard of in the heterosexual community, where a man that has access to a woman with a vagina would rather request her to bend over for anal (preference) instead.
• Some married people and most side chicks and sometimes boys can attest to the above mentioned point. Now for any man that has been trained to know that a man sleeps with a woman through a vagina would have troubles trying to comprehend this (new) concept. Especially if he has tried it with someone else and liked it. He will most definitely beat himself up as to why am I enjoying this (anal) over that (vagina).
• This kind of frustration is what might lead him to doing the most unheard of things such as committing suicide, sleeping around, being abusing verbally and emotionally and to do the most unfortunate by taking a life of another.
• Some men just like women find themselves trapped in relationships they were not prepared for, let alone the burden that comes with maintaining a relationship.
• Now since men are notorious for not being able to express their feelings, they end up diverting those feelings to other things.
• Men are frustrated that they don’t make enough at their place of work… lucky ones that find employment.
• They are then unable to take care of their families. They’re then pressured on a daily and often resort to drugs and alcohol for balance or attempting to stay sane.
• Black tax is also another factor in black societies whereby one salary/wages has to cater to 2/3 more households. It’s never enough.
• In relationships, women have however developed a tendency of wanting to nurture even the most hopeless situation. The signs of whatever their partners could be would be right there in their faces, but they would choose to ignore them and say, it will get better tomorrow.
• Time don’t change people, people change people. And in most case you become what you allow.
What should society gear up for?
• Society should expect more and more relationships failing.
• Society should relax their standards for men.
• Be prone to meaningful relationships. As It high time we start having that with our brothers, sisters, friends, parents, neighbours as well as our lovers.
• No more relations based on sex and fun. And if it so happens that you want such, declare it from get go! If it’s an open relationship you want or a No Strings Attached (NSA) SAY IT! Society will not judge you of your choices. And should one enter to such relationships they would’ve been fully aware prior engaging.
• Society must be open to the fact that some men have been secretly abused in various ways at tender ages by people they supposed to love, trust and protect. But since they’re men they can’t be abused.
• Men should be allowed and it should be OKAY for a man to be weak, to share their feelings without shame or fear of prejudice from their counterparts Toxic musculinity must fall.
• Society to aid man’s distorted image of what a man is, does and should be. By virtue of being a man, most men dont see anything wrong with their lack of accountability.
If you manage to defeat these odds in your life DO NOT look down at those struggling, help them instead. Should we embrace these new forms like we are currently doing with the Covid-19 pandemic, the world will be a safer and better place to live in, for all. If we accept and allow people to live judgement free we will not only be raising responsible accountable men, we will also be bringing up leaders of integrity.
Do you think you’re ready for this new breed of men?
By @Zolani Masombuka
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