we are a society built on the approval of others. Now I know. This is a concept that is both out of left field and a reality there needs to be a breakdown of the very concept of approval. What is approval? While the dictionary defines approval as 'a feeling or belief that either something or someone is either acceptable or good, I possess my own personal gnosis regarding what approval is. Approval is essentially a metaphorical thumbs up we get from our peers or associates that states that we have done a good job. That we are progressing further. I mean we all do it. We all aim to have one of the highest marks on a class test because we both want to prove to ourselves that we are in fact intelligent, but that we are recognized by our intellectual better as being intelligent. We all post photographs of our meal plans, exercise plans, and our physiques because we want that pat on the back that leaves you glowing. I repeat. We all want approval. Approval is a concept that not only helps us improve as individuals, but more importantly equips us with the tools to go further on in life.
However, what if approval isn't something that you can easily gain? There are countless tales of what happens to individuals that do not gain approval when they are in their early childhood. We see these people as the attention seekers. The drug users. The generally terrible people that make everyone else feel small about the accomplishments ,however minute, that are made. While approval is important, approval is always a twice sided affair. There needs to be an intrinsic concept understood. Firstly, although approval from other is important there has to be an element of coming into our own approval. This doesn't mean honking your horn everytime you do what you are supposed to be doing. That is self-gratification, not self-approval. Approval when it comes from yourself means that you are okay with parts of yourself that others might not be so kosher with. Approval for yourself is often times celebrating your own self which leads to my second point.
Sometimes we want approval so much that we forget one important fact: not everyone is going to clap for you and thus not everyone will approve of you. This fact of life took me a long time to conceptualize and actualize in my own life. Let me tell you a story: when I completed my degree I expected, no, demanded that I would get a pat on the back from the friends that were close to my life because I had been an approving friend when they made milestones such as dumping that toxic man or choosing to stay home and study instead of going to the club and been disapproving when they made choices that I believed would be detrimental to the long running of their lives. I had demanded the same treatment only to get a silent meh and a few very appreciated congratulations. It took deep work on myself to understand why this bothered me so much until I realised. It wasn't a matter of them not giving me approval. No. It was a matter that I was not proud of myself for the accomplishment that I had made. This was a humbling experience that I had to work on and still continue to work on, which creates a tangent for the final point of this piece.
You do not always need approval. Granted, I did state how important approval is, but sometimes we won't get the approval from ourselves or others. There will always be moments where you sit and wonder if you are going about something the right manner, being left confused when there is the resounding pressure of silence to answer you. This is okay. Actually, this is more than okay. We won't always have an audience to watch us perform. That does not mean that we shouldn't perform or clinch down the amount of performance we give out. Sometimes you perform a complex thermodynamics equation in your own room and have no one to watch. Sometimes you manage to put your children down to sleep without anyone watching. This is a reality of life. Approval my friends is a tricky topic when examined, but at the core of this conversation should be the dynamic understanding that we have to be our own support.
By Olwethu Mokonenyane
Facebook: Olwethu Waruna Mukonenyane
Instagram: @TheAllBlackKid